My name is Mel. And I’m an addict.

I love getting inspired. I love it so much. I crave it. I love hearing stories, or seeing things that make my heart beat a bit faster. The rush of endorphins that flood your heart and soul is similar to when you take ecstasy.

(I never claimed to be a saint.)

I never noticed how much I was a “inspiration” junkie til not to long ago.

I live my life in this roller coaster of spiritual highs and lows.

*Some could call it bi polar, but  I’m not a doctor. I only play one on the internet. Which means, I’m NOT a doctor. Take my advice with a grain of salt and maybe a shot of tequila.

I would do really well at dealing with my life and all would be amazing and I would live in a state of awe and inspiration. I would be so high and live with this wonderful bliss in my heart. I loved everyone and everything. I saw the beauty of God in life.

All was well.

Then, some unforeseen energy would happen and knock my ass down and laugh at me while holding a big  “FUCK YOU” sign over me while kicking me.

*Ok, maybe that’s a bit vulgar but, sometimes that’s how I feel.

The point is that got so depressed, I couldn’t see a way out of my own darkness. I lived in my emotional misery, even though my outer circumstances weren’t that bad. They just felt so horrible cause I was “coming down” from my spiritual high.

I had lived my life as a spiritual crack head.

Always looking for a fix.

I’d eventually get out of my depression, with much credit to my amazing husband. I would start seeing the light and love in life , and then I would crave it again. I would take hits of it here and there, just trying to get my spiritual tolerance back up. Ease myself into loving life again. I would crave more of it eventually fiending  for that God high again . I would overdose myself in finding my connection to God and my importance in life. I couldn’t imagine not being if I couldn’t have that.

I needed to feel like I was SOMEONE.

I would ride that magic dragon as far as I could.

Eventually that dragon kicked me off before disappearing into the sky, only showing me a glimpse of it’s magical tail…leaving me with a longing to ride it once more.

It’s those times I fall off and come spiraling down, back into my reality. Back into the state of wanting more. Wanting to feel that high again. Then my depression cycle would start over. I would never feel satisfied. Never fulfilled. Never of importance.

I  felt if I wasn’t  on this road of “inspiration” then life would have no meaning. Which I took as that meant I would have no meaning. So I had to overindulge myself. I got to the point where I understood all the teachings I was reading and listening too, but I realized I never took real ACTION.

I would fill up on the messages, but never really take the right steps into doing what I knew would lead to a fulfilling life.

WHY?

Why would I treat myself to this misery and pain, when I had all the answers in front of my face to help heal my soul? Why all this self sabotage? Why willingly choose not to do something, knowing that it will only benefit you and your quality of life?

I don’t think I’m alone when I’m asking this question. We all do some type of self destructive behaviors to ourselves. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, fast food, smoking, whatever.

If WHY we know in our hearts, it’s bad for us, why do we continue to choose it?

I can’t talk for everyone of course. There are physically addictive substances that take over our brain and keep us in that state of mind. If that is the case, please seek help from a real doctor. Like I said, I only “play” one.

What I have discovered for myself is that I do these addictive/useless habits so I don’t have to deal with the real underlying emotions I feel. You know, the ones you buried inside, stored in a little box labeled:

‘TOO REAL CRAZY EMOTIONAL SHIT”

hidden deep…deep… WAY DEEP down…covered by happy memories and emotions that should be able to cover the ugly box.

Until a night of 8 shots of Jameson on an empty stomach somehow manage to bring that lil sucker back to surface and

BOOM!

You’re screwed.

*Wait…that’s just my life you say? Oh…ok then. Well damn.

It’s taking some humbling and screaming on my part to finally wake up and listen to myself. This cycle of sabotage was getting old. Real old. I no longer wanted to be in that mental state anymore. I wanted out. I needed to get a good ass kicking before I could be out.

LIFE had beat the shit out of me. But when it was all over, I was FREE.

I came to the conclusion that I was making all these stupid choices. Not anyone else. Not anything controlling me. And I choose them because I didn’t want to deal with how I felt, which was

inadequate.

*I grew up with this mentality since I could remember. I’m sure I will post on how I self developed this later. 

I never felt like I deserved to have good things happen to me because I felt worthless. “Why would God give good things to people who didn’t deserve it?” was my mantra for a long time. It’s pretty shitty.

I decided to consciously make better choices in loving myself. Because I am worth it.We ALL are.  If I believed that God loves us all and I choose to see the good in all MOST people, I deserved to give that to myself as well. I needed to treat myself with the love I would give to my dearest husband, kids, and friends. I needed to live my internal philosophy towards me too.

The “road to recovery” is still a process. There are times where I don’t feel good enough and that old lingering feeling of self pity wants to come back and play with my mind. I have been pretty strong about putting it in it’s place. I still actively seek to find inspiration in my life. But this time, I try to really take action. I try to do what is going to help me, and I believe I deserve it. I feel good about myself and who I am. I feel like I really have LIFE on my side and I actually like it. I am more grateful for my experiences versus fighting them.

I live to learn.

Learn to live.

Love to learn.

Learn to LOVE.

It’s not about the high times in life. It’s about ALL of it. And we ALL deserve to live a GREAT LIFE. Because we all are worth it. We have the option to choose a better life for ourselves and our loved ones. Sometimes you just gotta take a ass whooping to finally wake up and fight for the life you deserve. It’s time to kick the habit and take your control back. I believe you deserve it. I hope you do too.

 

Love,

MeL

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s