I don’t know what happened to my last post I did. It magically disappeared. Makes since though cause July was a shit show of a month for me. I’m so glad that’s it’s over.
I went through so much emotional and mental hell. I got thrown off track and lost a lot of my power to do anything, let alone keep up with this blog. I played my victim mentality for most of the month. I didn’t care about much. I felt defeated.
Until one day late July, after just feeling so overwhelmed with my sadness, I finally prayed and asked for help. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always praying. And I’m always asking for help. But this time it was different. I wan’t praying with my same plea of desperation, begging, and hopelessness. I found myself in a completely surrendered state of prayer.
Lord, let thy will be done.
*I use the words Universe/God all interchangeably, please use your language which resonates with your soul.
I never realized that my prayers were out of some desperation for God to give in to my selfish demands and give me the result the way I was expecting. Never with a full willingness to fully engage with how the Universe was responding to my cry. If it wasn’t how I expected, I ain’t doing it. Basically,
“Don’t tell me how to live my life!!!”
…unless it’s how I want it to be.
Damn, I can really be a brat huh?
This realization allowed me to go back and look at all the pain I have had, and ultimately the pain I’ve caused myself. I re-read all my journals and started to realize the common theme in them. Then it hit me. I felt like I had finally decoded the secret puzzle to some ancient scroll.
God let me know one major factor in my life, that I was allowing to keep me stuck.
I wasn’t willing to believe in the outcome of my answered prayer, because I wanted to control the outcome. I wanted to see the answer in the form that I expected. I wasn’t willing to surrender to the flow of God and allow the Universe to give me the best answer that my growth needed. I needed to really step aside, and let the Universe do it’s magic and just
I was so surprised by this revelation of myself, it took a couple of days for me to process what I had just uncovered. How could I have fear still when I had been asking for guidance and help for so many years? How was I not willing to shift into a new me, when that’s all I asked for? Why did I not see this before? It would have saved me so many nights of pain and suffering!!
I made my mind up right then, I had to change. Willingly, not out of desperate hope anymore. But with the surrender of my need to control the outcome and let God in. I mean, isn’t that part of the reason we are here? Is to learn and grow and understand our amazing potential? As much as we feel we are the only ones who have a say in our life, we often ignore this amazing force that has given us our existence, GOD. Too often we get stuck in our own petty world, with it’s own petty problems, and try to make sense in our own petty thinking. We tend to get lost and lose our understanding of one of the most amazing truths, we are not alone on this journey of life. We are co-creating it with OUR Creator.
I made the decision with all of my being. My mind. My body. My soul. I feel like once I was able to pass this choice through all of these parts of me, I had the power of the Universe backing me up. There is something magical about your life once you feel this way. It reminds me of falling in love. You get these butterflies in your stomach with anticipation of seeing what God will show up with. You can’t stop feeling like you are on cloud 9 and dream of all the fun things that will unfold next. You are so ecstatic when The Universe shows up and you just want to love it with all of your being. You talk about the Universe all the time to your friends, that it annoys the hell out of them. You start picturing your lives together and plan for the future, cause this is it. Done.
I fell in love with Life again. And man, does it feel so good!
As I am willing to surrender, I do it without fear. Because when you truly allow The Universe’s power to come in and guide you, you have to do it with love. Love and fear cannot reside in the same space. It doesn’t work that way. I let fear guide a lot of my choices, and I now see the consequences of those choices. Now I’m letting love guide my choices, and I have this feeling it’s going to be great!
**We are co-creators here to create our lives (duh), but we also should look to understand the “CO” part of it. Once of the best teachers I have learned this from is Caroline Myss. Her book, “Advanced Energy Anatomy” is really amazing. Trying to feel that you really are in good hands? Read, “The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith” by Gabrielle Bernstein. While I was recommend to read this book a while ago, I finally started, and wow. I know I had to learn other lessons first to have this book resonate with me. This hits home. HARD.